Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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