You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
