i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
