He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
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