Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
