I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
