when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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