I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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