god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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