so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
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The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
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Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
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