Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
