I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
