We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
