New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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