I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
