I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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