I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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