Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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