When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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