he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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