sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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