3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
