i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
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