Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
