I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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