a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
