She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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