Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
