I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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