He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
