I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
