You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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