He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
