I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
