Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Randomize
