I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
