Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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