Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
