I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
