party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
