I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
