I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
