ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
