so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
