I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
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