I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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