So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
