i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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