just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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