I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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