I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
