my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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