I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
