He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
