So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
