yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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