i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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