Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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