The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
