So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
