I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize