I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
