EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I pour the whiskey from now on
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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